RACHEL’S DIARY

Yubedee Pyamene Anokari

What if I never fall in love again? what if my emotions have been dredged away by one too many deceit, heartbreak and disappointment? Only if Femi had been honest and sincere, I wouldn’t have met the devil. Just how wicked and ruthless could men be! All men are dogs and that is a fact. The ones claiming not to be, just haven’t figured out what breed they are yet.

Now I’m thinking, why did I ever go to the mall that Saturday morning to get groceries? I should have waited. Why did I ever meet him? How did I fall for this monster?

After five years of dating, we did the introductory rites for marriage, and that was it, nothing more! Always giving excuses each time I ask him of it, coming up with sweet lies and sentiments, too sweet not to buy. He invites me over to his place often, so much so that I began living with him. How on earth did I get here? How did I become a fool to reason? Love they say is about giving, and so did I give, freely and expressly, I gave. To satisfy his insatiable pleasures at any moment, I was marked present. Paying no attention to every restriction in me, withholding nothing, I let him have his field day all the time.
Love is sacrificial they say, a huge and unredeemable one did I make, recklessly I guess. Without a second thought, I made him my top priority – family, friends, career, religion, they all came second.

Defying all appeals of proper thinking, I plunged into a gallow too steep to hurriedly get out of – the greatest mistake of my life! Accepting all his bullshit everytime he messed up, I followed the rule – love is patient. Always sorry, I forgave him for all the times he hurt me, the innumerable times he cheated. Maybe I was a fool, a big one. Ever wanting to be a perfect partner and hopefully, a perfect wife too; maybe some day.

I dated him for ten years! Not months, but ten good years. Look where following the godforsaken rule has gotten me! Belittled and toyed with by the devil. How come I never got fed up and called it quits? Guess I was too in love – he hadn’t finished with me yet. Ten promising years of my life, I gave to a reprobate and monster; who made sure it was an ordeal, living.

Love is blind they say, so was I, for ten good years; blinded by the mirage called love, cos now I know true love can not cause you so much pains and leave you in ruins like it did to me. I turned a blind eye to every mistake he made, to every red-flag, I overlooked and ignored. I guess am paying dearly for such stupidity now. I had always hoped things will get better, now I see clearly hope is a bitch who just keeps you in perpetual suffering, stretching out a rope for you to hold but not long enough for you to grip.

With all the nights I cried, feeling pains all over my body, he wanted me regularly, almost for sport. How about the times, too numerous to accurately remember, when I found condoms in his pockets while doing his laundry, his shirts littered with so many colours of kisses from different ladies, feels almost like a rainbow– the hurt it caused me, I wish I could forget!

Been raised from a religious home, they always say patience is a virtue, so patiently did I wait for him to come to his senses and quit doing what he did; little did I know you can’t change a man, it will take forever! It beats my imagination each time I try to reason, why he did what he did. Why he hurt me so much? I had numerous admirers too, but for my supposed husband, I only had eye for. I was loyal and humble, always eager to do his bidding, I loved him. All these I did not knowing I was only been played by a man who never loved me in return but for only getting under my skirt with ease. He hurt me so much I can’t even remember how many times I smiled being with him.

A great lesson life has taught me; and trust me, I paid attention in full and learnt every detail. I’m glad that painful phase of my life is over, now I am left to live out whatever is left of it – my miserable life. Well, I guess I will just have to forget where the past, lies; and walk the path of the future, the new road to promise. But I am scared, what if I never fall in love again?

Yubedee Pyamene Anokari, is a contributor on the blog, an amazing content writer and entrepreneur. Currently a student of environmental studies at the University of Port Harcourt, an SDG advocate, passionate about personal growth and development.